Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
