she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
