the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Randomize
