He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
