4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
