you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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