Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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