THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
i now understand why vodka
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
