I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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