Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
