So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
