i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
