He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
