I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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