my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
