i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
