i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
