she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
