Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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