I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
