dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
