That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
