while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
