Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
