Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
you had me at cake vodka
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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