A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
