girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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