why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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