I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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