A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
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I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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