Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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