When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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