So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
