I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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