OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
