Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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