so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
