I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
