I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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