I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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