Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
