i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
