I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
