shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
