Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
