I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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