Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
