I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
