If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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