I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
