I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
