shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize