Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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