I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
