Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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