It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Sext me about skeletons
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