i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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